Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?

[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.