Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*me flirting

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though

food blogger:

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.