Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

Will you be my 14th most used emoji?

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.

Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..