Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
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Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”