Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
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So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.