ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
never stops being funny
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
