ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
