Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”

The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.

I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.

This kid will have a bright future.

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.