Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

I bet

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

When the doctor asks about my sex life.

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.