ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
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me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved