ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
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Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
The Others (2001)
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.