angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
You Might Also Like
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
found a horse’s reddit account
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.