angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
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Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.