Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

I would guard your potatoes so hard.

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again

Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves

But I don’t like to point fingers

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad