Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other

by any beans necessary

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

Me sliding into hell like

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope