Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
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I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”