Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
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Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Discuss
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
worst…sale…ever
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time