Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?

eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.

me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea

[10pm]

me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea

Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug

My work here is don’t.

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.