Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking news:

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

Plumber: I think I found the problem

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.