Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?

Just a paranormal pants.

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

no one likes gloating