Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

Me: Doc, I hurt my back.

Dr: What happened?

Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…

Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

Multitask? I can barely unitask

*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

Monday

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?