Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed

Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.

*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

Me: Dishwasher’s broken.

16: I’m sorry.

Me: Did you break it?

16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

Save a reindeer.

Ride a Canadian.

🤯🤯🤯

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

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