Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station

The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”

-actual message from my mom

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!

-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee

Me. I’m the person.

August 8

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

ㅤ

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.