Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.

They just take your money and run.

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you

Air conditioning – not a fan

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house