Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

Festive toon…

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw