Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
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A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
they split up moments later
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it