Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
