Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
