Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
