Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

yikes

Last Monday I went to the gym and I’m proud to report I’m still en route

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

I’m really shy in RL.

But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.