Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.

God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.