ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Good morning y’all ☀️
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
i spent way too long on this
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
