ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
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Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Oceanography is all about current events
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis