Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie

women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.