@kidnapped_jesus

Angel : So how’s it going down there

God: They’ve created something called a ‘five day work week’

Angel: That sounds terrible

God: Oh it is, I literally couldn’t think of something worse and I once turned a woman into a salt lick lmao

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@rebrafsim

Me: cut, cut! okay dammit, what’s my motivation here?

Judge: I assume you don’t want to go to jail, and if you say cut again I’m holding you in contempt

@BunAndLeggings

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

@DaddyJew

Me: *passes out pizza*

3: no fair, you have 4 slices and I only have 2

Me: *cuts his 2 slices into 6 slices*

3: wow, thank you

@ItsDanSheehan

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

@cray_at_home_ma

And on the 7th day God rested, but the children did not rest. So on Monday God made school and He sent the kids and all the people rejoiced.

@murrman5

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

@ItalianBratikus

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

@Mr_Kapowski

*wife and I start having an argument in a crowded restaurant*
*she storms out upset*
*I follow*

Outside: “DINE AND DASH SUCCESS!” *high 5*

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

@truegritrumble

(Spelling Bee)
JUDGE: Your word is catastrophe.
ME: Y. O. U. R. F. A. C. E.
*all the mics in the room simultaneously drop to the floor*