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You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.