Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.

would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?