ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
You Might Also Like
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
just having fun
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.