ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
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If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force