Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you

My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.