angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
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Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!