angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
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self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
bury ourselves
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Ken is short for chicken
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”