angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
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OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
Order here:
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i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille