Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
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Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro