Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
This week’s mood.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
