Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
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People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I’m listening
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.