Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft

why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.

Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?

Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕

Pac-Man: again?

Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one

Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times

-me during my whole shift

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…

Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.