Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?

it’s the silliest best thing

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

Lmao

!!!!!!!!!!!

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.