Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

same bro

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!

wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

My horoscope said I should kiss you today

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.

BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.