Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.

Don’t ask me how evolution works!

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

This will never not be funny to me.

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.