ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
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What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Genius idea!!
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices