ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
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wow
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Has there ever been a more American story?
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Social distancing in Australia:
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.