Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time