Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

[before Toto]

Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.