angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
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*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Meowchelangelo
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?