Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😉

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.

Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.

Me: Just get in.

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.

my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup