Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

okay run it by me one more time

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”

Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”

[texting]

Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?

Her: too long, didn’t read

Me: oh ffs you too?

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Not😆🤣

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”

Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”