Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

i hate it when someone gives me a valid solution to my problem and i have to find something new to complain about

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

Very suspicious that this keeps happening

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”