I forgive you, but I hope your death is written, produced, and directed by Quentin Tarantino.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
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oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
Biden: Trust me.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”
I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.