@thefishpants

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

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@SamuelHLowe

I forgive you, but I hope your death is written, produced, and directed by Quentin Tarantino.

@sad_tree

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog

@RickAaron

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

@OllyiConic

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something

@Crutnacker

Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.

@LostFelicia

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

@Fred_Delicious

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

@PajamaStew

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

@iinkedZombie

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.