Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
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Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”