these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
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Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too