HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
angel: they’re making great progress with the vaccine
god: murder hornets
god: murder hornets everywhere
angel: why god
god: 2020 mf
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What would u do if u won the lotto?
10yo: Buy legos & a bigger house for u.
11yo: I’d buy a monkey.
Going to be extra nice to my 10yo.
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Dentist: have you been flossing?
[ flashback to me picking steak out of my teeth with a potato chip earlier ]
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
At the end of the day, it’s 11:59pm.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself