@pilau

angel: they’re making great progress with the vaccine

god: murder hornets

angel: what

god: murder hornets everywhere

angel: why god

god: 2020 mf

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@handsock_butts

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

@amazymay72x

What would u do if u won the lotto?

10yo: Buy legos & a bigger house for u.
11yo: I’d buy a monkey.

Going to be extra nice to my 10yo.

@rebrafsim

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

@Eden_Eats

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

@momjeansplease

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

@DaddyJew

Dentist: have you been flossing?

[ flashback to me picking steak out of my teeth with a potato chip earlier ]

Me: yes

@daemonic3

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

@UncleDuke1969

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

@Coolisiana

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself