Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

[at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter