Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

what do you want!!!!!!!!

An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

[first time skydiving]

me: oh no my charcuterie board

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet