Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
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For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I hope this email finds you in a well
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks