Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

My boss just set a meeting for July  2024 and a little piece of me died.

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

The smoke detector went off because the battery was low and I thought it was because the frozen pizza was done.

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

Put the is in disheveled

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

idk what he going thru but i feel him

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!