Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
You Might Also Like
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Raisins are grape jerky.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Found the job I’m suited for
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this