Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”

Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

Buying a well is money well spent.

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.