Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”