Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*

Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…

We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.

HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*