Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

“Can I help you?”

“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

10: “What are we doing today?

Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”

10: “Then what are we going to do?”

Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

“I love Worcestershire sauce.”

“What’s so special about it?”

“It’s hard to say.”

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks

will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.