u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
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I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Tell someone you love them today because life is short. But SHOUT it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Insta before videos: hey look at my sushi !
Insta with videos: hey look at my sushi for 15 seconds !