Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.

Basically.

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!

Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?