Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not

Pickled cat.

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

date: what’s your dream job?

me: designing food stats for RPGs

date: umm ok… *sips water*

me: [under breath] -2 thirst

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.

the world’s most popular steaming services

You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

A gym so fancy they call it a James.