Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed

Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

Her: I’d really love some flowers.

Him: Orchids?

Her: No, just flowers.

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.

Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?

Me: I am a Dr

Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa

Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701

Me: Waiter, check please!

Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.

Me: Thank you.

CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

honk shuah. sleep on that thang

Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

こいつ天才

stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass

Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it

Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat

Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?